Chapter one

FINDING ELIZABETH M...

Chapter 1

It was dark and I can remember standing in the hallway watching them. I peered around the corner not wanting them to see me. They were in the kitchen. I was far enough away that I was not seen by them but close enough to see what was happening.

         It’s strange to me now that I don’t remember the sounds from that night. No screaming or yelling. I don’t even remember my own breathing. It’s only what I saw that I can remember. The light from where they were, the wall I clung to and the darkness I stood in. It is all imprinted as part of my memory. I remember their movements but not the meanings behind them. I was too young to understand at the time what was happening but I knew that they were angry. And could feel their frustration.  I’m not sure how long I stood watching my parents argue and fight about their marriage. I also could not tell you if they were violent and abusive to each other. I just know that I was watching.

         In that moment I was completely unable to understand the consequence of what was happening. I can tell you now, the aftermath of this encounter between my parents, would leave me in what I call, the endless season of change, known as my childhood.        

         Eventually their conflict reached its peak. Something must have happened but in a split moment my dad could not bare his burden of marriage and fatherhood anymore. He left, just opened and closed the door. Just like that he was gone. That was the night I watched my father walk out on our family.

         I remember racing back to my bed, so my mother would not find me. I did not want her to know I was watching. I knew she would want to comfort me and that she would want to talk. Nothing could be said though, even I understood that much. So I hid under my covers and closed my eyes. I waited for her to come and check to make sure my bother and I had not been woken up by what had just happened.

         I was two years old the night my dad left and this is the first memory I have of my life. It is strange to me now that I don’t remember anything before. Not a single moment. I could not tell you that my father he loved me. That he had always wanted a daughter and wanted to name her Elizabeth. I was a Daddies girl, so much so that I only ever got one spanking from him. I have no memory that he called me boo bear because I liked Winnie the Pooh and would say boo bear instead of Pooh Bear. No memories of being a family or anything about my mother and little brother. Nothing about being around the horses he trained or my parents tucking me into bead. I don’t even remember my parents fighting. I am told it was a frequent occurrence and that night was no different from many others.  All I have is that one moment. I guess I have always considered it to be where Elizabeth M begins.