How soon its back

I'm not even single and i already find myself wondering about who he is or how i'm going to find "him". I guess i'm not worried about him but more of what will be different this time. I was a virgin when i got marred and compared to what i know now, quite innocent. Will i wait to have sex? what about before i get serious? how long will that take, a month a week a year? will i even get married again? i sure hope so....

Where do i start, at home in Colorado? Or do I move home? or should i just stop worrying and pray, just be still. I'm so afraid. I don't want to leave but should i go.

I just talked to Preston and i just dont understand. He says i'm a wonderful and amazing person. BUT dose not want to be with me. My pain is so much... my hurt I cant even feel at one time. I think that is why it comes in waves. i cant physically take it all in at one time. I keep remembering the line in the movie under the tuskin sun. "you know it doesn't actually kill you." I very much understand what she means. It hurts so much, but some how i'm still breathing. I guess i'm going to be ok...Actually I know i am

Dare i say...pottery class

I'm going insane, i need something to do. I just go to work come home and feel sorry for myself. But what to do. V-ball with sarah this saturday sounds ok but i'm not much of a competitive person. Pottery class also sounds Sweet but where do people find such things? Then there is dancing, painting, and i'm sure much more.

I did read a book, i think its the fifth one in quite possibly my entire life time. And that just ended too! So do i go get another book or make myself go to the gym? I know good question right.

Well time for a nap! Guess Elizabeth M is a napper? for now anyway....

Today

Today is my first bolg, its a beginning as i find myself at an ending. Maybe this will be my only blog or maybe it will be something for me or even for you. Becoming Elizabeth M is what I want to blog about, share and discover. I know a lot about me but feel for some reason i need to go back to the beginning. I like beginnings, they are fresh like sun dried laundry and well, i'm sad so, "fresh sun dried laundry" sounds like a good place to start.

A few years ago i was asked to interview my mother about my birth. It was unknown to me at the time but she has a very sweet story about the day i came to be Elizabeth M. My father, Tony, wanted to name me Elizabeth, M stands for Margaret (my great grandmother who died in February, two months before i was born) and my last name was Swedlund. Not sure there is much to say other then Swedlund is a strange last name.

My mother started off with, "you were late..." as she began to tell her story of the day i was born. i consider myself to always be just on time but according to those who go strictly by the clock, we will call it LATE. It was later i found that i was in fact, a whole month late. But getting back to my point, my mother starts her story like this...

It was the sixth day I was in false labor and decided to walk to try and induce... I was so exited to meet my little girl and could just not wait another day. I began to cry as I walked and wondered why it was taking so long. As I passed by a house a little old lady asked me what was wrong. I explained to her that I was waiting and did not know if THIS was it or just another false alarm. The women i met said that it would be ok and that i would come at just the right moment. She also said that I should go home and take a hot bath. If the pain was still there after that, then it would be time to call the doctor.

She was right, later that afternoon i was born at 6 pounds and 12 onces. There was some trauma but over all i was a healthy, beautiful and fully loved little girl. April 3, 1985 i was born and became Elizabeth M a name i have always loved. On that day i started my life journey, and the first capture. although i'm not sure how many captures there have been from that moment on I know that today is the beginning of a new one.

It is a sad ending though, you see my husband of three years has decided to give up, he cant pretend that hes let go of the past and does not want to be my husband. So we are no longer to to be together as one. There is very few things i have and understand completely but i do know that the sun will come up tomorrow and i will start another day. I get to start being Elizabeth M again, whomever she has or will become.