Fairy Tails and all that Jazz...

Please enjoy this post, there are a few movie spoilers so be aware...

I recently watched all three of the twilight movies, the epic tail of Edward and Bella and their true love. I expectedly, enjoy it and lost myself in their tale. However, it reminded me of why I very purposefully try to avoid these types of "true love" fairy tales when ever possible.

I primarily do this because, I know that I "feel" stories, movies and books. I find that I don't watch or listen, I feel the emotions of the characters. For instance, when there are embarrassing moments in movies, I find, I literally CANT watch because I myself, feel embarrassed. People make fun of me because if you look over at my face during a movie, I often times will be mimicking the facial expressions of the characters.

With this knowledge about myself in mind, I try to not watch movies with great tragic tales, or sad un-reconcilable endings. I find that after I embark on those types of journeys with directors or authors, I am a mess. I find myself trying to get over how Kevin Costner sacrificed his life in The Guardian or how despite his gift, john coffey, was excited in the Green Mile. All the while trying to serve coffee at work and interact with my day to day reality. But however difficult it is for me to experience tragedy through movies, tails of true love are even more impossible for me come back to reality from.

Recently, after watching twilight I was faced with the idea of "true love". This time however, i was faced with the reality that its not real. You see, I have wanted all my life to be the absolute desire of someone and in return experience passion, protection, and ultimately unconditional love. Growing up I misunderstood that "saving myself" or being obedient would bring to me this type of love in marriage/life. However, it just isn't the way life is. Devastated, I called my mom to tell her how distraught I was that I will never be anyones Juliet. That I will never find an Edward and live forever in the arms of my one true love.

As I have processed, I think I have begun a journey in understanding a more, realistic love, a possible love, and ultimately a healthier love. Most tragic loves end because the two were so consumed with each other that, nothing ells mattered. When in reality, people and others matter. The more I thought about this, I seriously begged for an answer that would make me at the very least "ok" with a life without "true love".

The conclusion I have come to is this: A god or devine being is the only one I could have this passion and tale of true love with. That I am possibly not even capable of all that love on my own. That people by themselves with all their messiness are not even able to sustain that type of desire and love.

I want to say that I'm there! I found my true love in God... but I havent. I'm not saying that I don't believe in God, its just that I have not found that part of God that complets me. I know that when I was young I knew that part but it is not there today, and the why i'm not completely

sure is important for right now.

Now please understand that i'm not creating a philosophy but simply sharing my journey. Believe me, I have literally spent weeks morning over the idea that "fair tails are not real". Real tears, real loss, real heartbreak has passed through me when trying to understand this.

As far as romantic love. I believe in desire between two people. I also believe in attraction and happiness. But that with two people who share those things, comes the fading of desire, a change in attractions and sometimes a replacement of happiness with sacrifice and commitment.

I believe that I have a poetic heart and that I will always look for "true love". But logically, to make it through this life without a broken heart, I feel I need to look at the reality that true love is quite possibly, not attainable between two people. It just might be in something greater.

Elizabeth M believes for true love...

Here I am today

I have wanted to post several times but have not had the basics...internet connection. I always seem to get distracted and never seem to write down what I want to post.

There has been a lot that I have discovered about myself that is honestly NEW to me. I feel I will have to wait to share it all, primarily because I have to go home and don't have that internet. but i thought that I would share something. I had attended a divorce recover group and they talked about how there are stages and how you will walk through them. As with i feel everyone I'm not even close to following them in order! I've been through the denial and anger and moved on to whats next but I'm grieving last....

Yup... I'm sad that a relationship, a person, has been taken out of my life. I don't get to hear his jokes or race him to the mailbox or even hear him say one of his ridiculous nick names he had for me. That is gone and not coming back. Its taken me a bit to realize that I miss those things and yet also know that in grieving those things I don't have to go back; too living in a relationship that was destructive to myself and the other person. I have a really good mother and she listens when I call and cry.

Although, it has been strange to start grieving, its at least nice to know where and what I am...I'm not crazy, not in denial, might still get angry but grieving is what it is today and with so much it take time to move forward..in one piece.

Elizabeth M will: cry, grieve, smile, laugh...and one day...fully know and be herself.