Tragedy...a poem for Chico

TO BE READ ALOUD:

We are not given at birth, knowledge of the future.
There is no guarantee that we will find success, happiness and love.
We enter this world with only hope.
Hope that our tomorrows, will be filled with the things we long for most.

Tragedy, the unavoidable fate of man?
I know that some believe tragedy is brought to teach us.
For other, it is the means to correct our path, when we have lost our way.
Sill for various reason, it could just be a random occurraence of bad luck.

How can we understand,
Why tragedy finds one and not the other,
How He deserves and they are spared.
I do not pretend to know, tragedies purposes.

I will not bost, that you will do again, what you once did.
But I will not speak against that hope.

I will believe that your tomorrows, will be filled with love, courage and peace.
I stad -from a distance- believing the best, with the many that love and know you.


Remember "Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says, "i will try again, tomorrow."

Elizabeth M....

7 Things you may not know..about Elizabeth M

I thought it might be fun to share some things about me, that you may or may not know. So here are seven quarky things about me. Feel free to leave one or two things about yourself in the comments below.

1. I have THREE favorite colors: blue, green and yellow
2. I love to sleep on my Back
3. I like to drink the extra pickle juice
4. I'm never confident that i'm spelilng my middle name correctly
5. I get nervious when I'm in a large body of water
6. I almost died from drinking straight vineger (how was i supposed to know it closes your airway?)
7. I secretyly have always wanted to sell Mary Kay ( please, don't judge me)

Elizabeth M

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Time to acept the good...

For Valentines day I was given a very thoughtful gift. A hour and a half massage. I had to wait a whole month to use my gift because the place was booked solid.However, the time finally came. It was a quiet little place behind a tattoo shop. It reminded me a lot of the houses and businesses in Boulder, CO. Rustic with a little bit of hippie mixed in. I know that's not real descriptive but its of little importance based on the purpose of this post. Anyway, I enjoyed the massage very much and found it to be quite relaxing. After, the gentlemen who gave me the massage sat with me in his office. He was making small talk about being healthy and eating right. I explained, how i was not eating wheat anymore to see if that was beneficial to my health. He then said something that I had an unexpected reaction too. He said, " you know for the most part you seem to be very healthy". My immediate internal response was "are you CRAZY? I'm a mess". I have issues with this and that and if you only knew about whatever. However, I smiled, said thank you and then tipped and left. When I was driving home I wondered about my reaction. Why did I instantly reject the observation that I was healthy? I mean, I am cutting bread out of my diet, the most amazing thing to eat! I suffer through sit ups and pull ups, in the name of fitness and I do try and get a full nights rest, every chance I get. So why would I so quickly reject "healthy" as something that describes me. Isn't that my intention? I realized that I have been defining myself by my Issues. I receive sympathy for my issues from others. Which can be comforting and nice. Its real and i do have to deal with it daily. But i don't have to be defined by my medical "issues". Then I thought, "if I'm healthy, now what"? If I have overall health, what do i focus on now? Obviously I continue to maintain and miniature my health. But maybe I now can focus on life, others, goals, school, etc. I guess Elizabeth M is healthy and that's enough to know for now.

Fairy Tails and all that Jazz...

Please enjoy this post, there are a few movie spoilers so be aware...

I recently watched all three of the twilight movies, the epic tail of Edward and Bella and their true love. I expectedly, enjoy it and lost myself in their tale. However, it reminded me of why I very purposefully try to avoid these types of "true love" fairy tales when ever possible.

I primarily do this because, I know that I "feel" stories, movies and books. I find that I don't watch or listen, I feel the emotions of the characters. For instance, when there are embarrassing moments in movies, I find, I literally CANT watch because I myself, feel embarrassed. People make fun of me because if you look over at my face during a movie, I often times will be mimicking the facial expressions of the characters.

With this knowledge about myself in mind, I try to not watch movies with great tragic tales, or sad un-reconcilable endings. I find that after I embark on those types of journeys with directors or authors, I am a mess. I find myself trying to get over how Kevin Costner sacrificed his life in The Guardian or how despite his gift, john coffey, was excited in the Green Mile. All the while trying to serve coffee at work and interact with my day to day reality. But however difficult it is for me to experience tragedy through movies, tails of true love are even more impossible for me come back to reality from.

Recently, after watching twilight I was faced with the idea of "true love". This time however, i was faced with the reality that its not real. You see, I have wanted all my life to be the absolute desire of someone and in return experience passion, protection, and ultimately unconditional love. Growing up I misunderstood that "saving myself" or being obedient would bring to me this type of love in marriage/life. However, it just isn't the way life is. Devastated, I called my mom to tell her how distraught I was that I will never be anyones Juliet. That I will never find an Edward and live forever in the arms of my one true love.

As I have processed, I think I have begun a journey in understanding a more, realistic love, a possible love, and ultimately a healthier love. Most tragic loves end because the two were so consumed with each other that, nothing ells mattered. When in reality, people and others matter. The more I thought about this, I seriously begged for an answer that would make me at the very least "ok" with a life without "true love".

The conclusion I have come to is this: A god or devine being is the only one I could have this passion and tale of true love with. That I am possibly not even capable of all that love on my own. That people by themselves with all their messiness are not even able to sustain that type of desire and love.

I want to say that I'm there! I found my true love in God... but I havent. I'm not saying that I don't believe in God, its just that I have not found that part of God that complets me. I know that when I was young I knew that part but it is not there today, and the why i'm not completely

sure is important for right now.

Now please understand that i'm not creating a philosophy but simply sharing my journey. Believe me, I have literally spent weeks morning over the idea that "fair tails are not real". Real tears, real loss, real heartbreak has passed through me when trying to understand this.

As far as romantic love. I believe in desire between two people. I also believe in attraction and happiness. But that with two people who share those things, comes the fading of desire, a change in attractions and sometimes a replacement of happiness with sacrifice and commitment.

I believe that I have a poetic heart and that I will always look for "true love". But logically, to make it through this life without a broken heart, I feel I need to look at the reality that true love is quite possibly, not attainable between two people. It just might be in something greater.

Elizabeth M believes for true love...

Here I am today

I have wanted to post several times but have not had the basics...internet connection. I always seem to get distracted and never seem to write down what I want to post.

There has been a lot that I have discovered about myself that is honestly NEW to me. I feel I will have to wait to share it all, primarily because I have to go home and don't have that internet. but i thought that I would share something. I had attended a divorce recover group and they talked about how there are stages and how you will walk through them. As with i feel everyone I'm not even close to following them in order! I've been through the denial and anger and moved on to whats next but I'm grieving last....

Yup... I'm sad that a relationship, a person, has been taken out of my life. I don't get to hear his jokes or race him to the mailbox or even hear him say one of his ridiculous nick names he had for me. That is gone and not coming back. Its taken me a bit to realize that I miss those things and yet also know that in grieving those things I don't have to go back; too living in a relationship that was destructive to myself and the other person. I have a really good mother and she listens when I call and cry.

Although, it has been strange to start grieving, its at least nice to know where and what I am...I'm not crazy, not in denial, might still get angry but grieving is what it is today and with so much it take time to move forward..in one piece.

Elizabeth M will: cry, grieve, smile, laugh...and one day...fully know and be herself.

A New Year and a Season of Hope

For many of you who read (all five of you) its been a few weeks. I have had plenty to blog about but as I have tried to continue to do, i only blog when its the right time. Today is the right time.

I have never felt that celebrating a new year is something that should or even does impact the season of life that i am in. This year is not different. I'm blessed in this season, with deepening friendships, family, new love, hope and an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. I don't find myself in a season of beginning or end. just in a season. I'm excited about tomorrow but am content in typing in this moment.

There are many stories that i would like to share with you and will, when its time. I really do love you all. I'm so clearly blessed to have the people in my life that love me. Gee i'm just so happy today, and have so much to say, my cup is deff. full.

Those of you waiting for my promised Christmas card, it has not been forgotten or canceled. I decided that i would send out a After the holiday card. It was stressing me out to get everything together so I figured that i would take a moment to get what i need done and then when i could get to it i would send out my CHRISTMAS CARDS. Please keep an eye open for yours in the mail.

Lots of love

Elizabeth M... here today in 2010..oops... i mean 2011!