Responce to a thought

I live to satisfy my personal maral desires which is prompting happiness
In doing, so i am at peace enough to help you make life
 a bit less dounting....

Chapter one

FINDING ELIZABETH M...

Chapter 1

It was dark and I can remember standing in the hallway watching them. I peered around the corner not wanting them to see me. They were in the kitchen. I was far enough away that I was not seen by them but close enough to see what was happening.

         It’s strange to me now that I don’t remember the sounds from that night. No screaming or yelling. I don’t even remember my own breathing. It’s only what I saw that I can remember. The light from where they were, the wall I clung to and the darkness I stood in. It is all imprinted as part of my memory. I remember their movements but not the meanings behind them. I was too young to understand at the time what was happening but I knew that they were angry. And could feel their frustration.  I’m not sure how long I stood watching my parents argue and fight about their marriage. I also could not tell you if they were violent and abusive to each other. I just know that I was watching.

         In that moment I was completely unable to understand the consequence of what was happening. I can tell you now, the aftermath of this encounter between my parents, would leave me in what I call, the endless season of change, known as my childhood.        

         Eventually their conflict reached its peak. Something must have happened but in a split moment my dad could not bare his burden of marriage and fatherhood anymore. He left, just opened and closed the door. Just like that he was gone. That was the night I watched my father walk out on our family.

         I remember racing back to my bed, so my mother would not find me. I did not want her to know I was watching. I knew she would want to comfort me and that she would want to talk. Nothing could be said though, even I understood that much. So I hid under my covers and closed my eyes. I waited for her to come and check to make sure my bother and I had not been woken up by what had just happened.

         I was two years old the night my dad left and this is the first memory I have of my life. It is strange to me now that I don’t remember anything before. Not a single moment. I could not tell you that my father he loved me. That he had always wanted a daughter and wanted to name her Elizabeth. I was a Daddies girl, so much so that I only ever got one spanking from him. I have no memory that he called me boo bear because I liked Winnie the Pooh and would say boo bear instead of Pooh Bear. No memories of being a family or anything about my mother and little brother. Nothing about being around the horses he trained or my parents tucking me into bead. I don’t even remember my parents fighting. I am told it was a frequent occurrence and that night was no different from many others.  All I have is that one moment. I guess I have always considered it to be where Elizabeth M begins. 

The Quest for truth

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, from houses to bitter old resentment and set out on a truth seeking journey externally or internally and if you truly regard everything on that journey as a clue, you accept everyone you meet as a teacher and if you are prepared to to face some very difficult realities about yourself the truth will not be withheld from you. 
-Eat, Pray, Love-



Elizabeth M is on a quest for truth.

In my 27th year

“I am not who I once was. Nor am I who, I will become. Although it might not be apparent, I am aware of my journey and my place on its path. My faith has changed, my core is being refined. I am today all that I can be and all that is needed. If you are too quick to listen and speak, you will miss what I have to say. I am not alone and I am not wrong. I am strong. Strong enough to say I, want, and will. I will not accept less. Trust that I know truth. And know what is real within my heart. I may not tell you my truth but it is not because I am ashamed or afraid. You just may not be worthy.” This is my life in short burps of what I see, as I walk on in this season.

I am writing a book about my current Journey. You could say that I am writing my autobiography of my life up until now. The pages fill with words every day and quiet moments and circumstance lead me to action. I am not a poet, and words are not my talent. But I have a message to share and a gift to give. One day, someday soon, it will be complete and I will share the pieces of my life with you, step by step. Thank you for your life, who you are in my life and who we are becoming.

Thank you for my Birthday wish

With so much love for you,

Elizabeth M

How to Write a letter to your Senator

For those of you who would like to give it a try, I found some tips on writing a senator.

Thought that I would share!

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Letter-to-Your-United-States-Senator

Happy Writing!

Elizabeth M, Empowers Change

Words two

This was the first poem I ever wrote, its a little rough and there is so much going on. I think I tried to put all my life experiences in one literary mold.

a poem

As a little child would never know

what danger the heart faced

The translucent pain that would

find this life in a dreary mess.

Secrets hidden for generations and

lies consumption taken control

while other souls held at bay.

Buried would bitterness and a torn heart

lay beneath the pretense that show

Acwored and hesitant facing this world

questioning only what was feared,

everything

Grasping however the light some times seen

but only glimpses would they explain

Above the lies and hate hope would bring first fruits

and rest for the soul caught within the darkness

whose hue what tainted, (as) light.

Tattered hope will only sustain

but never bring release

A choice must be made,

face that witch is alone and dark

or forever run into its infinites (existence)

Not alone, will this darkness be challenge

For a friend would not only pass buy but stop!

To nurturer and teach the frightened and captive heart

By Elizabeth M

Raw Words day one

The summer of 2006 was one of the most memorable ones of my adult life. My dad lived in Big Springs Texas, 11 hours from Westminster , Colorado. He offered to have me come and spend three weeks with him traveling between texas, oklahoma, and more of texas. I had just broken up with preston and thought that it was going to be the best option I could have asked for. Besides I had not spent more then a day with my father in a long time.

Knowing that I had to rent a car and drive to texas alone, I requested the aid of my friends to burn me CD's. Josiah burned me every, single Ben Folds album because at the time I was obsessed and felt cool listening to it. Justin made me sweet a mix that opened my mind to such bands as yellow card and some other band that he would be disappointed I forgot the name of. Shoot, if i could only remember. Then liz made me three or four silly songs CD's to keep me awake and Snooky made me some betharoni mix's as well. It is of note, to express that those mix CD's are of the most valuable and loved of any I have ever received.

The night before I left, Justin and Josiah stayed up all night watching movies and then came over to make me breakfast. I think it was something like three or four in the morning. Again, something that I treasure to this day.

As I set out on my own, in my shiny silver honda civic rental car- my all time favorite care- I was proud of myself for doing such a brave and simple thing. Little did I know about the summer that awaited me and how the events and conversations, somehow shaped the tone for how the next seven years of my life would proceed. That it would be the last time I can clearly define who I was and the last time I remember being confident in my life and its purpose. Ultimately, it was the last summer I was protected my by ignorance and began to loose my innocence.

Danielle is someone who has been a part of my life and seems to say just the right thing at the perfect time. She mentioned a writing challenge over the next month and I am thinking of participating, this is my attempt. There is no editing no, going back and redoing, only raw words....

Elizabeth M, longs to write words

Tragedy...a poem for Chico

TO BE READ ALOUD:

We are not given at birth, knowledge of the future.
There is no guarantee that we will find success, happiness and love.
We enter this world with only hope.
Hope that our tomorrows, will be filled with the things we long for most.

Tragedy, the unavoidable fate of man?
I know that some believe tragedy is brought to teach us.
For other, it is the means to correct our path, when we have lost our way.
Sill for various reason, it could just be a random occurraence of bad luck.

How can we understand,
Why tragedy finds one and not the other,
How He deserves and they are spared.
I do not pretend to know, tragedies purposes.

I will not bost, that you will do again, what you once did.
But I will not speak against that hope.

I will believe that your tomorrows, will be filled with love, courage and peace.
I stad -from a distance- believing the best, with the many that love and know you.


Remember "Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says, "i will try again, tomorrow."

Elizabeth M....

7 Things you may not know..about Elizabeth M

I thought it might be fun to share some things about me, that you may or may not know. So here are seven quarky things about me. Feel free to leave one or two things about yourself in the comments below.

1. I have THREE favorite colors: blue, green and yellow
2. I love to sleep on my Back
3. I like to drink the extra pickle juice
4. I'm never confident that i'm spelilng my middle name correctly
5. I get nervious when I'm in a large body of water
6. I almost died from drinking straight vineger (how was i supposed to know it closes your airway?)
7. I secretyly have always wanted to sell Mary Kay ( please, don't judge me)

Elizabeth M

Free five minute personalty test

Free five minute personalty test

Time to acept the good...

For Valentines day I was given a very thoughtful gift. A hour and a half massage. I had to wait a whole month to use my gift because the place was booked solid.However, the time finally came. It was a quiet little place behind a tattoo shop. It reminded me a lot of the houses and businesses in Boulder, CO. Rustic with a little bit of hippie mixed in. I know that's not real descriptive but its of little importance based on the purpose of this post. Anyway, I enjoyed the massage very much and found it to be quite relaxing. After, the gentlemen who gave me the massage sat with me in his office. He was making small talk about being healthy and eating right. I explained, how i was not eating wheat anymore to see if that was beneficial to my health. He then said something that I had an unexpected reaction too. He said, " you know for the most part you seem to be very healthy". My immediate internal response was "are you CRAZY? I'm a mess". I have issues with this and that and if you only knew about whatever. However, I smiled, said thank you and then tipped and left. When I was driving home I wondered about my reaction. Why did I instantly reject the observation that I was healthy? I mean, I am cutting bread out of my diet, the most amazing thing to eat! I suffer through sit ups and pull ups, in the name of fitness and I do try and get a full nights rest, every chance I get. So why would I so quickly reject "healthy" as something that describes me. Isn't that my intention? I realized that I have been defining myself by my Issues. I receive sympathy for my issues from others. Which can be comforting and nice. Its real and i do have to deal with it daily. But i don't have to be defined by my medical "issues". Then I thought, "if I'm healthy, now what"? If I have overall health, what do i focus on now? Obviously I continue to maintain and miniature my health. But maybe I now can focus on life, others, goals, school, etc. I guess Elizabeth M is healthy and that's enough to know for now.

Fairy Tails and all that Jazz...

Please enjoy this post, there are a few movie spoilers so be aware...

I recently watched all three of the twilight movies, the epic tail of Edward and Bella and their true love. I expectedly, enjoy it and lost myself in their tale. However, it reminded me of why I very purposefully try to avoid these types of "true love" fairy tales when ever possible.

I primarily do this because, I know that I "feel" stories, movies and books. I find that I don't watch or listen, I feel the emotions of the characters. For instance, when there are embarrassing moments in movies, I find, I literally CANT watch because I myself, feel embarrassed. People make fun of me because if you look over at my face during a movie, I often times will be mimicking the facial expressions of the characters.

With this knowledge about myself in mind, I try to not watch movies with great tragic tales, or sad un-reconcilable endings. I find that after I embark on those types of journeys with directors or authors, I am a mess. I find myself trying to get over how Kevin Costner sacrificed his life in The Guardian or how despite his gift, john coffey, was excited in the Green Mile. All the while trying to serve coffee at work and interact with my day to day reality. But however difficult it is for me to experience tragedy through movies, tails of true love are even more impossible for me come back to reality from.

Recently, after watching twilight I was faced with the idea of "true love". This time however, i was faced with the reality that its not real. You see, I have wanted all my life to be the absolute desire of someone and in return experience passion, protection, and ultimately unconditional love. Growing up I misunderstood that "saving myself" or being obedient would bring to me this type of love in marriage/life. However, it just isn't the way life is. Devastated, I called my mom to tell her how distraught I was that I will never be anyones Juliet. That I will never find an Edward and live forever in the arms of my one true love.

As I have processed, I think I have begun a journey in understanding a more, realistic love, a possible love, and ultimately a healthier love. Most tragic loves end because the two were so consumed with each other that, nothing ells mattered. When in reality, people and others matter. The more I thought about this, I seriously begged for an answer that would make me at the very least "ok" with a life without "true love".

The conclusion I have come to is this: A god or devine being is the only one I could have this passion and tale of true love with. That I am possibly not even capable of all that love on my own. That people by themselves with all their messiness are not even able to sustain that type of desire and love.

I want to say that I'm there! I found my true love in God... but I havent. I'm not saying that I don't believe in God, its just that I have not found that part of God that complets me. I know that when I was young I knew that part but it is not there today, and the why i'm not completely

sure is important for right now.

Now please understand that i'm not creating a philosophy but simply sharing my journey. Believe me, I have literally spent weeks morning over the idea that "fair tails are not real". Real tears, real loss, real heartbreak has passed through me when trying to understand this.

As far as romantic love. I believe in desire between two people. I also believe in attraction and happiness. But that with two people who share those things, comes the fading of desire, a change in attractions and sometimes a replacement of happiness with sacrifice and commitment.

I believe that I have a poetic heart and that I will always look for "true love". But logically, to make it through this life without a broken heart, I feel I need to look at the reality that true love is quite possibly, not attainable between two people. It just might be in something greater.

Elizabeth M believes for true love...

Here I am today

I have wanted to post several times but have not had the basics...internet connection. I always seem to get distracted and never seem to write down what I want to post.

There has been a lot that I have discovered about myself that is honestly NEW to me. I feel I will have to wait to share it all, primarily because I have to go home and don't have that internet. but i thought that I would share something. I had attended a divorce recover group and they talked about how there are stages and how you will walk through them. As with i feel everyone I'm not even close to following them in order! I've been through the denial and anger and moved on to whats next but I'm grieving last....

Yup... I'm sad that a relationship, a person, has been taken out of my life. I don't get to hear his jokes or race him to the mailbox or even hear him say one of his ridiculous nick names he had for me. That is gone and not coming back. Its taken me a bit to realize that I miss those things and yet also know that in grieving those things I don't have to go back; too living in a relationship that was destructive to myself and the other person. I have a really good mother and she listens when I call and cry.

Although, it has been strange to start grieving, its at least nice to know where and what I am...I'm not crazy, not in denial, might still get angry but grieving is what it is today and with so much it take time to move forward..in one piece.

Elizabeth M will: cry, grieve, smile, laugh...and one day...fully know and be herself.

A New Year and a Season of Hope

For many of you who read (all five of you) its been a few weeks. I have had plenty to blog about but as I have tried to continue to do, i only blog when its the right time. Today is the right time.

I have never felt that celebrating a new year is something that should or even does impact the season of life that i am in. This year is not different. I'm blessed in this season, with deepening friendships, family, new love, hope and an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. I don't find myself in a season of beginning or end. just in a season. I'm excited about tomorrow but am content in typing in this moment.

There are many stories that i would like to share with you and will, when its time. I really do love you all. I'm so clearly blessed to have the people in my life that love me. Gee i'm just so happy today, and have so much to say, my cup is deff. full.

Those of you waiting for my promised Christmas card, it has not been forgotten or canceled. I decided that i would send out a After the holiday card. It was stressing me out to get everything together so I figured that i would take a moment to get what i need done and then when i could get to it i would send out my CHRISTMAS CARDS. Please keep an eye open for yours in the mail.

Lots of love

Elizabeth M... here today in 2010..oops... i mean 2011!

Tailgating and a Football Game

This past Saturday I went with my friends Sarah and Ryan Ayme tailgating. I then was privileged to go with my new friend Box to the LSU football game. We played washers also known as "redneck horseshoes" and Box and I ALMOST beat Ryan and Cliff but alas the final throw came down to me and I was not successful. But it was so close and Cliff and Ryan were sure nervous. I had a fantastic time learning about LSU, their traditions and cheers. I think that I will enjoy football season next year for sure.

Thanks you friends for such a wonderful "cultural" experience and a great day!

Elizabeth M. likes LSU football

All who Wonder, are Not lost

The tittle of this post is a quote from Tolkien and was on a card that my friend sent to me as encouragement. Accompanied in this card were some inspirational words and a quote that I want to share with you.

The Quote:

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'i will try again tomorrow'".

My friend wrote this to me after I shared my fear about now knowing what is next.

"I for sure understand what you're saying about not going somewhere, i'm feeling a lof of that now, but (beth) WE are not lost, nor have we lost our way! Maybe standing with nothing in front of you is a test to see if you can stay standing. Stand, Beth! Stand! Know that you are not alone."

Its taken me almost a month to write my friend back because I wanted to match her inspirational something or other but alas i have not found anything as inspiring as that.

So she is getting a magnet and a card too. However, they may inspire nothing more then the need to send me back a card. Which is something i can live with...

Elizabeth M, loves to send cards.

Superwomen...keeps going and going....and..

I was reminded today of the fact that I am not invincible. Nor can I continue to run around like the energizer bunny. I need to learn to take care of my self just a little better.

I ended up in the urgent care room with my BFF sarah, for several hours. My condition endometriosis, seems to have reminded me that its still there and i need to pay attention to what my body is telling me.

And what is my body telling me you ask?

ONE: eat!

Two: rest, or I will be in crazy amounts of pain

Three: exercise (to strengthen overall health)

Solution:

I now have the food to eat THREE times a day

I'm planning a stress free week (planning not ness. getting)

And come rain or "snow", i'm gong to go to the Proving Ground this week. (Even if my store is on fire).

I make fun but I truly was worried today, I often forget that I need to take care of my body. Please be believing with me that I will not only find a balance but that my condition can be controlled by a new medication and effort to put myself first.

Thank you for your payers and belief

Always, Elizabeth M.

Christmas already

I have sent out Christmas cards for over 7 years now. Its something i look forward to each year as October and November approach. I have been wanting to NOT brake my tradition this year but feel the typical "seasons greetings" and yea!, look how happy i am, does not fit my life, nor would i want to send that type of card out missing an opportunity to truly connect with my loved ones.

So with some thought and waiting on an idea that would fit this year, i have come up with something that i hope will bless each person on my Christmas Card List.

Yes its a secret! But i'm excited to prepare the cards. I will be alone (without family, and a husband) this year for the holidays, so i'm hoping that i will find some comfort in connecting with those i love through cards.

Please be in payer for me as I enter into a season of celebration, differently then it has been for me the past few years. I'm believe for the best always.

So let the crafting begin!

Elizabeth M...makes Christmas Cards!

100 Miles an hour...possibly in the wrong direction.

I have made up my mind. I want to work for CC's and Live in Baton Rouge. So when they called to offer my job. I decided to move back. I did not tell many people and I think I might have hurt a few. But this is where I want to start my life now. I want to be here, in Baton Rouge.

My friend Danielle sent me a card that talked about standing with nothing in front of you. She cheered me on saying that just because I don't know what is before me does not mean i have lost my way and maybe choosing to stand in spite of the fact may be strength unforeseen.

I think I have a lot of strength, and I hope faith too. I really don't know what is next. But I feel there is a journey that began some time ago. Its going to cause me to grow and i know that part of that will require sacrifice, discipline, and obedience. I think the first two i can do but that last one seems to kick my but. Primarily because, I think to much and rely too much on LOGIC.

As for running in the wrong direction (as titled for the post) i don't know. I DO know that i'm done running...i'm going to sit still for awhile and listen.

Elizabeth M

A video that I like from Casting Crowns:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8&ob=av3n

Front Porch Swings and Hot Cups of tea

This topic has come up several times for me in the past few months. Not truly of front porch swings but of a life of simplicity and peace. I used to dream of being the one who "rocked" this world. But recently, I revisited a piece of scripture that I meditated on as a youth. Its in ecclesiastics and it talks about how there is nothing better then for a man to do his work and be happy.

I want to work and be happy. I had dreams of traveling the world, speaking to thousands, and really being somebody. But now, after all I have seen, i just want to be near the ones i love and have peace.

I was talking with my brother and I really would love to move with him to a place that would allow us to live out our lives in quiet solitude. Justin tells me to be realistic, so i told him ok lets go tomorrow. But really, how great would it be to live happily? To face what comes with peace, patience, and stillness.

But what of Gods plans you ask? I'm a lover of Gods word and Gods people. Why not spend my life knowing God, and believing for the people he has placed in my life now. What greater needs are there to be lifted to heaven, then that of my friend with a narcotic addiction, my family member with deep rooted pain driven by loss, or my acquaintance with a weary and unsaved soul?

For I do not know the plans God has but he alone will make my path straight. I long for and desire peace and stillness and am thankful that I serve Jehovah Shalom- the God of Peace.

Elizabeth M, desires peace...